Your Friend Gets Dizzy and You Just Might Panic
by Ain'tNobodyWhoCanComfortMe
Summary: Kendall is hopelessly in love with James, so much so that his panic attacks might come back after months of being dormant after James is hospitalized one day for an unknown reason. Rated T for language.
1. Chapter 1

**I've actually had this written for a long time now, and I don't know why I'm just now deciding to publish it. I've also decided that I liked this idea more when I first started writing it.**

**This is only the first chapter and I'm already debating weather or not I should continue. So if anybody actually reads this, leave a review or something like that telling me if you like it and if I should continue.**

**Oh, and favorites and alerts motivate me to update faster. :)**

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**Kendall's P.O.V.**

There are so many emotions running through me right now. I can't even count them all. It's absolutely nerve-wracking.

The reason for this being is that my best friend, and the secret love of my life, is in the hospital. The doctors are in his room now, trying to diagnose what's wrong with him. And they're making me, and everybody else wait outside in the waiting rooms. It's absolute torture. I'm pacing back and forth, trying to calm myself down so I don't have a panic attack. I've had them before, I'm actually medically diagnosed as having a severe panic disorder, but I've kept it under control by taking medication and doing calming exercises if I start to feel panicked.

But it's too late for me to do anything, because I started to feel the all too familiar onslaught of symptoms.

My breathing was getting shallow and I was starting to hyperventilate. I started to sweat uncontrollably and the unsettling feeling of nausea starts to form in the pit of my stomach, all that and the added feeling of needing to pass out. My mother sees this and rushes over to my side.

"Oh, honey. You're having another panic attack, aren't you?" I try my best to nod, but the movement makes me feel worse. So I just mumbled something that sounded like a disgruntled 'yes'.

"Come here and take a seat," she said, so I sat in the nearest chair. "Now try to take deep breaths, and relax yourself. Okay?" She looked at me and noticed that I was deathly pale.

"Are you going to vomit?" She knows me so well. I mumble yes again and she's back in a few seconds, and just in time, too. I empty the contents of my stomach in the trashcan she brought me, and then just sat back, gripping the sides of the chair that I was sitting on so hard that my knuckles were drained of their color.

Two of my other best friends, who are waiting here along with me and my mom and sister, notice my distress and sit on the two closest available seats on either side of me.

"Kendall, it's going to be ok, you know. James is strong; he'll find a way to pull through this on his own. You need to stop worrying so much. For all that we know nothing could be wrong with him."

"Really, Logan? You really think James is ok? Do you really expect me to believe that? For all I know, he could be dead! He was just making breakfast with me, seemingly fine, when out of the blue, he fainted! From what I recall, that isn't normal! I thought that you of all people would know that, but I guess I was wrong."

I clasped my hand over my mouth as soon as those words left it.

"Oh my god, Logan! I'm so sorry. I had no right to say that. It's just that I've been worked up about James being in the hospital and all. He's been in there for hours, and not one doctor has come and told us what is going on or what his possible condition is. Do you know how hard that is? To just sit and wait to hear about the fate of your best friend? It's hard. It's really hard."

He gave me a reassuring smile, and then said something that threw me completely off guard.

"It's hard on all of us, Kendall, it really is. But I think it's hardest on you. What I mean by that is because I know you're in love with him. Don't even try to deny it, because it can get really obvious. Verbal and non-verbal signs point directly at it."

I froze. Holy. Shit. How did he know that?

"What do you mean? What are you talking about?" I laughed nervously and rubbed the back of my neck. _Bad move, Kendall. Bad move._

"You had a panic attack, Kendall! You haven't had one of those in months, and you used to get them at least once a week! James being in the hospital brought up those feelings of fear, and I don't think it would have _that _much of an effect on you if you didn't love him."

"Logie's right, you know. You should listen to him more often." Carlos said, finally reminding Logan and me that he was still in the room.

"I-I… yes. Ok? I love him, he means a lot to me, which is why I'm so worked up about the whole hospital situation. And please don't get mad at me, there's nothing I can do about it. It's not my fault I'm attracted to well, you know…" I paused. "It's not my fault I'm gay! Ok? Are you happy now? Are you happy that I finally admitted to somebody other than myself?"

There was a pause before anybody spoke up.

"Honey? Why didn't you tell any of us about this sooner?"

Shit. Fuck. Goddammit.

I totally forgot that my mom was in the room.

I haven't even told my own mother that I'm gay. I haven't told anybody.

Well, she sure knows now. _Fuck_. This was not how I wanted anybody to find out.

"I just… I don't know mom. Coming out of the closet is never really an easy subject, you know. I'm sorry you're just now finding out about this."

"It's fine honey. If you ever need to talk about it, you can always talk to me, or these two," she said as she pointed to Carlos and Logan.

I looked over at them, and Logan spoke up first.

"Your mom's right, Kendall, you can always talk to us if you need to. And to what you said earlier, there's no need to be sorry because of whom you fall in love with, whether it's men, women, or both. It doesn't matter to me, or Carlos," He looked across me at Carlos, who just shook his head. "Love is love, regardless of gender. There's no wrong in loving someone. So if you were thinking that Carlos and I would hate you or be disgusted by you, then you're wrong. Carlos and I have no problem with it at all. That just wouldn't be right."

I started to cry. I don't normally cry. I may mope around and act depressed, but I don't cry.

"He's going to be alright, Kendall. You know he is. Like I said, James is strong. He'll pull through this on his own."

I looked at him with an apologetic look on my face, truly regretting that I snapped at him just a few seconds before.

"God, I'm so sorry, Logan. I know he will, too. It's just you know… my paranoia, it makes me overreact and overemotional most of the time. I apologize for being rude. You know I can't help it. It's just how I function." Look at me, explaining a mental disorder to Logan, of all people. Wow. I really _am _paranoid.

"It's cool. I understand you know. But I appreciate you telling me anyway. It means a lot. Especially at a time like this." He smiled at me, then reached his arms out and gave me what could possibly have been the best hug of my life. I started to sob into his chest, and he just held me and kept repeating encouraging words.

"It's going to be ok. You know it is. Everything's going to be ok."

I just hope to God that Logan's right, I don't know what I'd do if he wasn't.


	2. Chapter 2

**Wow. I cannot say thank you enough for the great response this story got, considering it was just sitting around on my computer for months. You guys are amazing.**

**Reviews and favorites make for a happy me, and a happy me updates faster. :)**

**Once again, Big Time Rush does not belong to me. **

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**Kendall's P.O.V.**

I had apparently fallen asleep, because the next thing I knew, Logan was shaking my shoulder, trying to get me to wake up.

"Kendall!" I hear him yell. I didn't feel like getting up, so I ignored him. I could hear him sigh, obviously fed up with my stubbornness. "It's James," he said simply.

I bolted straight up at his words, narrowing my eyes when I heard him laughing.

"This is not an appropriate time to be laughing, Logan. Now, you said something about James. What about him? Is he alright?" I ask, trying my best not to sound too frantic.

"I'm assuming he's fine. His doctor came when you were asleep; he said that he wanted to tell us what he found out. He didn't seem too upset or hesitant to tell us that, so from what I know, that at least means that James is alive."

Oh, thank god. I can at least calm myself down a little now that I know that information.

"So wait, he didn't actually tell you anything about what he found out?"

"No, but before you freak out, he said that after you woke up, he wanted us to meet with him in James' room."

I wanted to leap out of my chair and _run _to James' room, but I didn't want come off as too hysterical.

"Yes, we can go see him now," Logan said, I'm guessing he must have noticed my distress.

I gave him a small smile, silently saying thanks.

As I got up and made my way to James' room, I couldn't help but think of all the negatives that could come out of the situation. Being my panicky self, I can't think of any of the positives.

When I got to the door, I put my hand on the handle and then paused, not knowing if I could go in there without having another panic attack.

I felt a hand on my shoulder and looked over to see that Logan was giving me a knowing look. "It'll be fine, Kendall. You can do this, just open the door and go in," he said. Yeah, I _wish _it could be that simple.

"Yeah, okay," I said as sighed, opening the door to see James awake and chatting with the doctor.

They both looked up to see who the guests were, and as soon as James saw it was us, he looked down at his lap, a light blush covering his cheeks.

"Ah, it's good to see you've finally woken up," the doctor said, getting up out of his chair and coming to me, shaking my hand.

"Yeah, sorry about that," I said, letting go of his hand. "What did you... what did you find out? Is it anything serious?"

I glanced over to where James was, noticing that his face had gotten a darker shade of red.

"To answer your question, yes and no. No in the sense that it's not life-threatening, but yes in the sense that your friend here will have to make some changes in his lifestyle if he wants to stay out of trouble."

"Does James… does he already know?"

"Yes, actually. I told him right before you came in here, but would you like to know what we found out?"

If it means knowing how to make sure he's safe when he comes home, then yes, I want to know everything.

"Yes, please. I think we all do."

"Do you all want to sit down? I've learned that usually people take news better if they're sitting down."

We did, but, much to my reluctance, we were one chair short, resulting in me having to sit on the edge of James' hospital bed.

"Well, we ran some tests, and we found out that he has a combination of two things, BPPV and Ménière's disease, in which both of them are the subjective variant.**"**

"I… I have no idea what those are, can you please explain?" I asked, because I really had no idea what he was talking about.

"Well, to put it simply, he has developed a severe case of vertigo."

"Oh, um… okay then. What's the… what does the abbreviation stand for?"

"It stands for 'Benign paroxysmal positional vertigo'. And common symptoms include nausea, visual disturbance – which is the difficulty to see or read during an 'attack' – and feeling faint or fainting, which is what your friend had happen. And as for the other one, that has almost the same symptoms, but it's more centered on hearing. For some, sounds can become distorted and they might develop or experience an unusual sensitivity to noises. It… can also result in hearing loss, and if the disease worsens, hearing loss can progress, or get worse."

"So you're saying that James might… become deaf or nearly that if his case is severe enough?" I ask, starting to feel panicked again.

"I'm afraid so, yes. We tested him to check if that would happen, and we couldn't find anything out. The only advice I can give you on that is to just watch out for the symptoms. And if he starts having an attack at home, I want one of you to read this simple set of rules out to him," he handed me a paper that had a quite long, but simple, list of rules on it. "Those will help him be relieved of his symptoms, but if it continues, just repeat that list once or twice more. Do you have any other questions?"

"When can James come home?"

"He can go home tonight; all I need is for his paperwork to be signed. I'm guessing you're the legal guardian?" He turns to my mom, and she nods. "I need you to come with me and we'll get it all signed and done. He'll be free to go home after that."

My mom got up, taking Katie with her so she could leave the four of us alone.

As soon as the door closed, James cried out, "I'm so sorry you guys. I never expected any of this to happen."

I realized I was still on the bed, so I decided to get off and sit in one of the chairs that had emptied up.

"You don't have to be sorry, James. None of this was your fault. You can't help that your body decided to do this to you," Logan said, trying his best to keep James calm.

"I… I guess you're right, Logan. I know that I can't physically help it, but I can't shake the feeling that it's my fault. That I brought this upon myself."

"You did nothing of the sort, James," Logan looks at me, a mischievous smile coming onto his face. "You know, I think Kendall has something to say to you that'll take your mind off of the situation. I'll just take Carlos and leave you two alone."

"No! Logan, don't!" But it was too late, he had grabbed Carlos and was out the door, leaving James and me in an awkward state of silence for a few moments before James spoke up.

"What's he talking about, Kendall? What do you have to say that will take my mind off the situation?"

"I… can't tell you that, James. I'm sorry if Logan got your hopes up or something."

"Please, Kendall? What do you have on your mind that's so hard for you to tell me?"

He was looking at me with a saddened expression, one that I couldn't ignore. I can't lie to him, so I guess I have to tell him.

"Okay… I'll tell you. But you have to promise not to get mad or start hating me or anything of the sort. I couldn't deal with that."

"I promise, Kendall, you can tell me anything. I can't think of anything that you would say that would get me to hate you."

"I hope so," I say as I take the seat closest to his bed, looking him straight in the eyes. "The thing is… I'm gay and I'm in love with you."


	3. Chapter 3

**This is actually the fastest I've ever updated something, and I'm proud of that. I don't like keeping you guys waiting. **

**I continue to get better response on this than I expected and I thank you for that. You guys are awesome. **

**Once again, Big Time Rush does not belong to me.**

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**Kendall's P.O.V.**

Oh, god. Did I really just say that? Did I _really _just say that right to James' face? Why would I do something as stupid, as irresponsible…

"Kendall!" I hear James yell, snapping me out of my thoughts.

"Yeah…?" I ask, dreading his reaction to what I had just confessed.

"First of all, you need to calm down, there's nothing to worry about," I tried to do so by taking a deep breath; it wasn't really helping though, given my current situation. "Are you okay now?" I nodded, and he continued. "Secondly, what you just said… is it true? Do you really… love me?"

I wanted so badly to get up and leave without saying a word, but I couldn't do that to him. So instead of leaving, I stay right where I am, but I keep my mouth shut, looking down at my lap, avoiding looking at James in any way.

"Kendall, please…" I heard him say, my heart breaking at the tone.

"I… yes, I am. I was so worked up about you being in the hospital that I had a panic attack in the waiting room…"

"Wait, you… you haven't had one of those in months," he paused again, thinking something over. "You must… those feelings… they're real aren't they?"

"I already told you yes. What else do you want from me?" I put my head in my hands, still not wanting to look at him directly.

"I want to know how long. I want to know how long you've been in love with me and why you've kept it a secret."

I sighed, thinking of a way to word it so that he won't get more upset than he already is, so I looked up and said, "It's just that… you've probably read all the stories, heard about it on the news; not every gay celebrity is treated the same after the media and the public find out about it. I know a few celebrities that are loved for being gay, others… not so much. Some of them get publically ridiculed and lose most of their fan base; they're all over the place like it's a bad thing. More importantly, I didn't want the chance of you, Logan or Carlos to think of me any differently. I didn't want to run the chance of being some sort of outcast with you guys; I just couldn't take something like that."

"Kendall, do you really think that we would hate you just because you're into guys?" I weakly nodded. "Why on earth would we be that inconsiderate? That's not like us. You could've told us much sooner, you didn't have to keep it from us for… how long? You didn't answer my other question."

"About five years…" I say quietly, not sure if I wanted him to know.

"Five years? You've seriously kept this from me for five years?"

"Yes. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I'm sorry it took you being in the hospital for me to confess it. I'm sorry I've been an awful friend. I'm sorry for everything, okay?"

"Kendall… there's no reason to be sorry. You're not an awful friend, you're my best friend. I'm proud of you for actually finding the courage to tell me it straight to my face. If I was in your situation, I wouldn't have been able to do the same."

"You don't understand! The only reason I told you was because Logan kind of forced it upon me. I don't have courage like you think I do. I never would have confessed if it wasn't forced out of me like it was! I'm sorry!"

"Kendall, I already said you don't need to be sorry about anything. I don't care if it was courage or not, I'm just glad you found the motivation to tell me."

"So you're not… grossed out or anything about the fact that your best friend is in love with you?"

"As long as you're not."

My eyes widened. What? Did I just hear that right?

"I'm… I'm not what?"

"I won't be grossed out that my best friend is in love with me if he's not grossed out that _I'm_ in love with _him_."

My eyes widened even further, trying to take in the information I was just given.

I felt my cheeks grow impossibly hot, my face probably the reddest it's ever been.

"You… I… What?" I managed to stutter out.

"I'm in love with you, too," he said again, his expression not changing.

"I… when… when did this happen?"

"About the same as you told me," he paused, looking me over. "Now that I know you feel the same, can I kiss you?"

"Can you tell me what you are first?"

"What do you mean 'what I am'? Can you give it more detail?"

"Sorry…" I look down. "Can you tell me what your sexual orientation is? I just feel that I would feel more comfortable if I knew."

"Oh, yeah, right. I like to think of myself as bisexual."

"Oh… so why me? Why… out of all the other girls… and guys, did you pick me? There are so many better choices."

Wow. Where did all the sudden lack of self-esteem come from? Maybe situations like this can make it appear.

"No, Kendall, there's not."

"Yes, there…"

I was interrupted by James cupping my chin with his hand and tilting my head up so that I was looking at him directly.

"No. You have to believe me when I say there's not. I can't find the right words to explain how much you mean to me, how much I love you. And I feel awful for putting you through what you had to go through."

"It wasn't your fault, James. Please stop saying that it was. Nobody, not even Logan saw this coming. None of us could have predicted it," I paused, neither one of us saying a word until I continued. "Now that the subject has been brought up, I have to ask. Are you feeling alright? No dizziness, no nausea?"

"None of that. I'm fine, Kendall, I promise," he said as he started softly running his thumb across my cheek, my face heating up at the touch. "Can I have that kiss now?"

I gave a small smile as I nodded, finally giving into his advances.

He started to lean in, paused, and then closed the gap in between us.

I had always thought that the sparks that appeared when you kissed someone were a myth, but now… now that I'm experiencing a kiss like this, I have just proven myself wrong.

I was just starting to kiss back, but James' doctor had decided to do a little cock-blocking and opened the door, forcing James and I to pull apart.

Luckily he didn't seem to notice, because he just came up to us with a good look on his face.

"Well, James, I looked over your files and you're healthy enough to go home tonight, the paperwork was signed and you're free to go home any time you want."

"Thank you."

"You're welcome. Now I need to tell you that if you start to see any recurring symptoms come back to the hospital immediately and don't hesitate to request me. I'll come as soon as I can."

"Will do, doc."

The doctor nodded and walked out of the room.

There was a silence before James spoke up, smiling at me.

"What?" I ask, a small laugh escaping my lips.

"Is my boyfriend going to help me get dressed and find the others?"

I just stared at him, my mouth hanging slightly open due to his question.

"Yes, I said boyfriend. Is that a problem?" He smirked.

"No, no it is not," I say as I lean in and give him a quick kiss, getting up to find his clothes.

As long as he puts up with my possibly recurring panic attacks, I'll put up with his… whatever it's called. As long as he's happy, I'm happy.

Yeah, I could get used to this.


End file.
